I'm capsized.

Earlier this evening I happened to run into Shannon at Target; I barely caught sight of her before she walked briskly down another aisle. But it was enough to jar me, to make me nervous. I truly find it remarkable that we've managed to avoid one another for nearly a year, save for the brief time spent wandering the same halls of our high school before graduation, averting eyes, clenching fists, breathing quick and walking as fast as humanly possible away from one another.

I wanted to run after her, grab her by the shoulders, turn her around, and just ask her how she is doing. I honestly don't harbor any ill will towards her. In all actuality, on good days, I sincerely miss her.

I am just so curious about who she is these days. I want to know she is alright. Because despite the fact that I am so indescribably happy with Max, I've not been able to really forgive myself. Even when I heard through the grapevine she was with Victor, I still didn't feel any sense of justification, nothing that made me feel what I did was okay. And I still miss her. It's not a simple thing, the act of forgetting your first best friend, the last surviving link to who you were, and the explanation for who you've become.

Here's another speech you wish I'd swallow
Another cue for you to fold your ears
Another train of thought too hard to follow
Chugging along to the song that belongs to the shifting of gears

Please forgive me for my distance
The pain is evident in my existence
Please forgive for my distance
The shame is manifest in my resistance

To your love
To your love
To your love

I would've warned you, but really, what's the point?
Caution could but rarely ever helps
Don't be down when my demeanor tends to disappoint
It's hard enough even trying to be civil to myself

Please forgive me for my distance
The pain is evident in my existence
Please forgive for my distance
The shame is manifest in my resistance

To your love
To your love
To your love

My derring-do allows me to
Dance the rigadoon around you
But by the time I'm close to you
I lose my desideratum and now you, so

Now you have it, so tell me baby what's the word?
Am I your gal, or should I get out of town?
I just need to be reassured
Do you just deal it out, or can you deal with, what I lay down?

Please forgive me, for my distance
The pain is evident in my existence
Please forgive me for my distance
The shame is manifest in my resistance

To your love, to your love, to your love

While browsing through an ancient relic (that relic being my old Livejournal account) I stumbled across this little gem, written 5 years ago to the date.

Myself, Five Years Ago.
This past year was a good waste of 365¼ days, for the most part. I'd like to think that I've grown up quite a bit (but not too much), experienced a lot of things, moved onward and upward . . . The passing year was a very tumultuous one that sort of took me by the shoulders and shook me, rattled me. I'm glad it did.

I saw the dissolution of two friendships I had maybe taken for granted, always believed they'd be there. I'd never actually felt the sting of rejection until a few months ago. I never knew what it was like to love someone who simply refused to love you back until doors were slammed in my face, backs were turned to me in favor of someone else, someone "better." I know that feeling the same way I know the face that stares back at me in the mirror and it scares me. It's too familiar.

I met a kid who opened my eyes, forced me to examine myself and my situation, prioritize, maintain. He taught me how there is so much beauty to be had and how to play a C chord without making your fingers slip, how to thoroughly enjoy a Bad Religion album and theorize and laugh at yourself. Moreover, he taught me how to let myself be vulnerable enough to love someone. And I learned that part best, I think. Because I do love him, still, a year later. I love everything about him, even the ugly parts. That speaks volumes in my book.

I did things I never thought I would do this year. I smoked my first cigarette in the car with the window rolled down and it was cold but somehow I was warm and relaxed until later when I coughed for an hour. I stayed awake for 49 hours straight. I dyed my hair pink and later blue and got a black eye at a show at a skate park. I learned to forget certain things and remember others more clearly. I discovered what the word "fructify" means. I listened to Mogwai and thought of space travel and flying and how cool it would be to have my own island with only special people on it who can help each other and how we'd live off the land like the pioneers. I developed a few bad habits but made up for them by making my bed every morning, without fail. I met some people who will hopefully prove to be indispensable friends in the long run. I had a snowball fight and the let him hold my hand while I sipped cocoa from a bright blue mug in my kitchen. I picked up a camera and took a picture of him while he wasn't looking and it turned out sort of blurry but it doesn't matter. I made my own rules and broke them.
…I never did follow the rules very well.


Ah, to be fourteen and foaming at the mouth with poetic quips...

Oddly enough, much has remained as it was five years ago. To this day, I still catch myself staring with wide-eyed wonder at everything unfolding before me. I am still blessed with a child-like naivety and an imagination that makes task as mundane as going to the grocery store a thrilling adventure. I have since gotten over the harsh sensation of that first cigarette and have blossomed into a tried-and-true, smelly, yellow-teethed chain smoker. My mind still frequently drifts to grandiose thoughts of space travel.

At heart, I am still the same dumb, bumbling, doe-eyed kid I was at fourteen, only now I've done some pretty sweet drugs and have increased my vocabulary tenfold.